To Forgive

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

– Mahatma Gandhi

All of us have been hurt, in one way or another, by someone else. While it is easy to forgive a friend for the slight distress we feel over a phone call that was not returned, it is not so easy to forgive those who have harmed us in a major way. The greatest hurt seems to come from those who play the most significant roles in our lives. The enormity of the hurt may lead us to conclude that we can never forgive the other person. To forgive or not to forgive is one of our life choices. It is important for our own emotional well-being to understand that it is a choice, and a choice with consequences.

 Consider this question – if the harm we have experienced leads us to a life dominated by unresolved anger, a negative image of ourselves, and an inability to trust, are we not allowing the perpetrator to continue to have power over us? When we have sleepless nights cycling and recycling thoughts about old hurts, when we seethe with anger, when we ask questions repetitively that seem to have no answers, we continue to suffer the consequences of being hurt. Perhaps our goal should be to find a way to free ourselves from the damage and to reclaim our lives for ourselves.

 There are many ways of being hurt. Some are minor and some are more severe. In some cases we are the unwitting victim of those who hurt us. At other times we collude in allowing ourselves to suffer by building expectations that make us vulnerable or placing our trust in the wrong places. Whatever the nature of the damage done to us, it is a potential source of learning. We can allow the hurt to keep us down as we continue to play the role of the victim – or, alternatively, we can learn to overcome it, adapt to it, try to make sure that it never happens again, and, if it does occur again, learn to deal with it more effectively.

Forgive: a verb meaning “to give up resentment against or desire to punish”

– Webster’s Dictionary

Here are some of the ways that people are hurt –

• Unmet expectations. We are disappointed when we build expectations that are dashed. We don’t always get what we want, and this is to be expected. When we build our hopes on achieving a major goal, however, like not getting the promotion we had hoped for or losing the love we had so longed for, the result can be catastrophic. The hurt can be enormous.
• Humiliation. When we are ridiculed by others – especially during childhood, as often happens when children are called derisive names – or when our pride is wounded, as might happen when a supervisor at work berates us in front of others, the assault on our dignity may impel us to hide, put up impenetrable walls, and vow never to be hurt again.
• Rejection. When we are rejected or abandoned, we experience loss – but perhaps more important is the fact that we hear the message that we are not good enough. We have to deal with grieving the loss of an important emotional bond – and our self-image is assaulted as well. The fear of abandonment is a powerful force in the lives of many people. This fear can have a strong impact on the way they relate to the world and other people.
• Deception. Some people may manipulate or lie to us, using us to further their own goals. This occurs, for example, when we are asked to keep “family secrets” or to deny real problems. Not only do we learn to distrust others, but we might also come to distrust our own judgment for falling prey to the deceptions of other people. This harms our ability to trust, and our self-esteem as well.
• Abuse. We hear about abuse frequently in the media these days. Abuse comes in many forms – physical, emotional, sexual, or through neglect – and it can happen in childhood or in an adult relationship. Many people who suffered from abuse during their childhoods go straight into an abusive adult relationship. The consequences are enormous for the victim. We feel low, unable to share with others, and suspect that others must somehow know about our horrible secrets. We are left with a sense of powerlessness and a legacy of guilt and shame.

Choosing to Forgive

“To err is human, to forgive divine.”

– Alexander Pope

Forgiving the one who caused us harm may seem like the last thing we would want to do. After all, by not forgiving, we can hold onto the belief that we have some power over the perpetrator and that we can therefore prevent the harm from ever happening to us again. Or we may be so invested in playing the role of victim that to forgive would mean giving up a large part of how we define ourselves. We may feel that evil should never be forgiven.

 An important point to keep in mind, however, is that when we forgive, we are doing it for ourselves, not for the other person. Forgiving is one way of letting go of old baggage so that we can move on with our lives. Forgiveness does not change the past – but it does change what we can have in the future.

 There are no deadlines for choosing the option of forgiveness. Forgiving is a highly personal act, and it will not happen until we are ready to let go of the old hurt and move on in our lives with a sense of personal empowerment. Premature forgiveness is not really forgiveness at all. We must prepare for it, and this requires a deep look into our lives. Above all, it is a choice – and some people may choose not to forgive at all. This is a perfectly valid personal decision in certain situations.

The Nature of Forgiveness

 “If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive.”

– Mother Teresa

Forgiveness is not a way of forgetting the past. Indeed, if we have been harmed, we should not forget it. We can learn from the past about how to avoid being harmed in the future. Nor is forgiveness a way of exonerating the perpetrator. We recognize that the harm did happen, that the other person is responsible for this and must come to terms with their own guilt. We are not trying to minimize the harm or claim that the behavior was acceptable. When we forgive, we are not sacrificing anything or giving up our sense of self-worth. Indeed, we are doing just the opposite – by taking a stand that says that we are strong and finally free of playing the role of victim. Forgiveness is a way of declaring our integrity.

 Forgiveness is a way of saying, “It’s time for healing. The pain of the past should now be put behind me.” Thus, forgiving is a way to express self-assertion and positive self-esteem. To forgive is to declare that our identity is centered around far more than the intense feelings that come from the past. It means that we have better things to do in life than continuing to live under the influence of the one who has caused us pain. Forgiveness implies that we no longer need to hold grudges – we no longer need self-pity or hatred, and we declare our independence from victimhood. Forgiveness signifies breaking the cycle of pain and abuse, giving up the belief that the other person should hurt as much as we do. It means abandoning the myth that if we hurt the other person, it will make us feel better. To forgive implies giving up the unrealistic hope that an apology will have the same meaning to the perpetrator as it has for us. It tells us that we are moving our energy from the negative to the positive.

 Forgiveness is a way of saying that it is time to heal – it is time to put the past behind us

A Forgiveness “To Do” List

 ____    Understand fully that forgiveness does not mean that it is all right for the aggressive behavior to ever be repeated. Forgiveness is meant for past behavior that was unacceptable.

____    Give up the unrealistic hope that the perpetrator will apologize, answer your questions or be able to explain why he or she hurt you. Even if apologies or answers were forthcoming, they would not alleviate the pain. The perpetrator’s views, and depth of insight, will differ from your own.

____    Understand that the pain is all yours, not the other person’s. When we forgive, it is for the purpose of dealing with our own pain.

____    Make up a list of the specific things that were done to you which you have decided to forgive. This means acknowledging and grieving the losses that have resulted from being hurt, and this may generate potent feelings of anger, sadness and fear. (These intense feelings may be an indicator that you may need to work some more on your losses before you are ready to forgive, and the help of a supportive person – a therapist or a trusted friend –  may be needed as you progress through this experience.)

____    See if there were any positives about the relationship. In some cases there may not be anything positive – but if they do exist, acknowledging them could help you move toward a more compassionate view of the relationship.

____    Write a letter to the perpetrator (this is a letter that you will never send). Allow your feelings to flow onto paper. Write freely about your hurt and anger, but include any positive feelings you may have about the relationship. If it feels right to you, acknowledge that the perpetrator may have been only doing the best he or she knew how to do at the time, or perhaps had been strongly influenced by her or his own upbringing. (If you don’t want to write a letter, imagine having a dialogue with the perpetrator. Or engage in a role-playing exercise with a therapist.)

____    Create a ritualized separation ceremony which ends the link between you and the perpetrator. For example, you might burn your letter and lists and then scatter the ashes. Or you might visualize a final goodbye where the perpetrator – and your feelings of hurt – will become smaller and smaller and eventually disappear. As part of this ceremony, give the perpetrator your blessing and forgiveness. You are now free to live your life unburdened by the pain of your past hurt. Celebrate that freedom.

For Further Reading

 Simon, Sidney B., and Suzanne Simon. Forgiveness. Warner Books: ISBN 0-446-39259-6. 1990, $12.99.

The Stages of Recovering from Harm

 Sidney and Suzanne Simon, in their book, Forgiveness, identify several stages in the process of recovery from abuse. Recovering from hurt is a challenging but potentially rewarding life task.

 Recovery involves –

      1.) recognizing that the harm has occurred. We may cling to our old “family secrets,” or we may feel that “that was then and this is now.” Denial of the harm prevents us from working on the issues and moving to a place of integrity, where our old hurts are resolved and we can freely make our own life choices.

      2.)  moving away from self-blame and understanding that we were the victims of someone else’s aggression. We may feel guilty for allowing ourselves to participate in a situation in which we were harmed, but the guilt should not trap us in a cycle of endless self-blame. Accept that someone else harmed us and we did not have the life skills at the time to prevent it. We did the best we could.

      3.)  understanding the role of the victim. Being hurt leaves emotional marks. We need to develop a good understanding of the ways past hurts continue to influence our lives – how our anger, ability to trust, and self-esteem have been molded as we play the role of victim.

      4.)  separating ourselves emotionally from the harm. In our process of recovery, we declare our independence from the hurt and from victimhood. We experience emotions appropriate to the severity of the harm that has been done to us. We feel indignant toward the perpetrator. By placing our anger in the appropriate place, we take a stand that says, “I count and I should never have been hurt like this.”

      5.)  reclaiming our sense of self. We begin the task of finding out who we are, free from the pain of the past. We find out what our strengths are, what we value, what we believe in. We define ourselves as survivors.

      6.)  claiming our integrity. In the last stage of recovery, we know that we are more than the pain that has been inflicted upon us. And we know that the one who caused us harm is more than the perpetrator of pain. We know that we have the capacity to be moral, compassionate, loving, caring and nurturing – both to ourselves and to others. It is in this last stage that true forgiveness is possible, not for the benefit of the perpetrator, but so that we can live free of our old emotional pain.

Handling Personality Conflicts

Some people are easy to be around and some are not. All of us seem to have at least a few difficult friends in our lives. They can range from those who are a mild annoyance to those who can make life seem nearly intolerable at times. People at this negative end of the continuum, especially if we have contact with them on a daily basis, can jeopardize our mental and emotional wellness over time – particularly if we lack the tools for responding to them in an adaptive way.

There is no single, easily described category of difficult people. A person who presents difficulty for one person may not be at all difficult for someone else. We all know friends who get along well with our “enemies” and we may not understand how this can be. Indeed, we may feel betrayed by our friends who have good relations with those we can’t tolerate. Our perception of who is difficult may reflect more about ourselves – our own needs and tolerances – than about the other person. Dealing with those we find difficult can present a personal challenge which invites us to look within and to develop more positive coping responses.

What makes for smooth interactions between people? When we come into contact with another person, we engage in a process known as role-taking. That is, we look for cues from the other person (their way of dressing, their nonverbal cues, the way they talk, what they talk about, etc.). This allows us to put ourselves into their shoes, so to speak. And, using these cues as our guide, we try to respond to them in a way that leads to a productive, harmonious, conflict-free social exchange.

Depending on the cues we perceive from the other person, we act just a little different around each person with whom we have contact – and this is adaptive. Our behaviors in the presence of our primary partner are different from our behaviors at work. Similarly, we wouldn’t talk to strangers in the same way that we talk to our closest friends. (This brings up a question: “But aren’t we then playing games around different people?” Not at all. The adaptive person can draw on a repertoire of different sorts of behaviors, depending on the circumstances, without compromising his or her authenticity. People who act the same in all situations may have trouble reading appropriate cues or may lack a varied set of behavioral responses. If conscious games and manipulations are being played, of course, then a serious problem exists in the interaction.)

Sometimes, however, the role-taking process breaks down – and this may be due to a number of reasons. ● In the first place, the other person may give conflicting cues so that it is difficult to know just                how to respond appropriately. For example, one would hardly know how to respond to a person       who seems friendly and approachable, but who then proceeds to insult you.

                       Or, we may not be able to read cues accurately from the other person. Does this person remind you of a childhood friend who caused you unbearable anguish years ago? If so, our responses toward this person may be colored by our own hurt feelings, and this may sabotage an adaptive interaction.

                       Similarly, sometimes there is simply an inexplicable conflict between personalities. Just as we use the notion of “chemistry” to explain why two people are attracted to each other, we can use the same idea to explain why some people are unable to tolerate each other. The “chemistry” is just not right.

Who Are the Difficult People?

Despite the fact that defining a “difficult person” depends on our own tolerances and abilities to respond adaptively to them, there are some people who have personality characteristics that many people find disagreeable. Although the following list is by no means exhaustive, here are some examples:

                       People who dominate conversations and never give anyone else a chance to talk – or people who seem to have no interest at all in what you have to say. Whenever you offer something about yourself to the conversation, they ignore you, interrupt you, and immediately turn it back to themselves.

                       People who constantly berate themselves – and other people. Everything they say about themselves, and others, carries a negative message.

                       Skeptics who don’t seem to believe a word you say. They question everything in a cynical way.

                       Addicts who seem intent on destroying themselves. They may abuse alcohol, drugs, food – or their relationships. Substance abusers tend to swing arbitrarily between liking you and disliking you. They often lack the consistency that is necessary to sustain a relationship.

                       People who can’t make a decision – and when there is any sort of conflict, they hide out until they feel it’s safe to re-emerge. This behavior makes it difficult to work out the normal conflicts inherent in many relationships.

                       Gossips who seem more interested in everybody else’s business rather than their own. Some gossips seem to take pleasure in fomenting trouble for other people. It is difficult to reveal anything about yourself if you feel that it may be taken out of context and spread to others. This leads to guarded and superficial relationships.

                       People who manipulate you into doing what they want. They seem to thrive on control, and you sense that your opinions or feelings don’t count.

                       People who lack consistency in their lives. We don’t know if their mood from day to day is going to be positive or negative – so it takes a lot of work to read their cues and to keep things on an even keel.

                       Dependent people who seem unable to do things for themselves. They constantly ask for your help (when the best help may be to allow them to contend with their own life challenges).

                       Angry people who seem ready to explode at any moment. Their “jokes” may carry an aggressive message and their passive-aggression may lead to a lack of trust.

                       People who feel terribly uncomfortable around others. When they talk, you have the feeling that their words have been rehearsed so that spontaneous interaction becomes impossible.

                       People who lie all the time. You can see the inconsistencies in their lies and everything on their part seems like a massive and desperate coverup.

                       Flatterers who lavish you with praise, but you never have the feeling that they truly care about you in a meaningful way.

                       The expert on everything. Rather than talking, they lecture – and they leave others with the feeling that their knowledge is insignificant. They seem to be in a constant state of competition.

Methods for Dealing With Difficult People   

Learning to handle ourselves effectively with difficult people is one of life’s expected challenges. Few of us are immune from interactions with people who have the capacity to make our lives miserable. It is not our place to try to change other people (it is difficult enough to make changes in our own lives!). If and when other people decide to come to terms with their problems, they will. The basic clue is to look within ourselves and to understand that it is we who experience the difficulty. As responsible people, we may feel the need to understand the source of this felt difficulty and take productive action to protect ourselves from its negative consequences. There are a number of techniques that can be used to reduce the unfavorable feelings these difficult people may have on us.

Staying Centered

In the presence of a troublesome person, we may feel uneasy or, if the circumstances are bad enough, even desperate. Although we may normally be healthy and gentle, interacting with a person who creates discomfort can bring out behaviors in us that we hardly recognize and may bring us shame. It is important to never use violence to deal with frustrations generated by another. Furthermore, we should not internalize our anger to the degree that we engage in self-destructive behavior. Believing that the other person “drove me to drink” is never acceptable and simply serves to empower their negative behavior.

When you are in the presence of a person who is driving you to desperation, try some “self-talk.” Think about your own strengths and your own capacities to like and validate yourself. Stay focused within. Understand that it is the other person who has the problem – but remember that it is your responsibility to understand why you are unable to deal with this person. Take some deep and relaxing breaths, and focus on tolerating the discomfort. If you harbor obsessive negative thoughts, tell yourself, “Stop!” You can feel powerful within yourself by maintaining your integrity. 

Assertiveness 

Depending on the nature of the other person’s behavior, there may be a time to take the assertive stance. Assertiveness is not an expression of anger, but rather an affirmation of your rights. Assertive responses usually carry a logical, rational tone that is not clouded with emotion – and they can be much more effective than angrily lashing out at the other person. In response to the dependent person’s constant pleas for help, rather than being driven to frustration, you might say, “I would feel more comfortable having some equality in our friendship, so I am going to ask you to call the restaurant yourself, just as I did the last several times we went out for dinner.” When a person insults you, simply say, “I don’t deserve an insult, and I am going to ask you not to say this type of thing to me again.” People often appreciate this honest and constructive feedback – and they may appreciate you for having the courage to bring the issue up in a direct way.

Confrontation

Sometimes, on the other hand, an angry tone in our voice is the most effective way of responding to difficult behavior. If the person does not respond to assertiveness, an honest verbal expression of our deserved anger may be an effective tool for conveying our frustration clearly. Our anger, of course, should never be expressed in any way other than verbally – and never physically. It should be concise and to the point, addressing only the issue at hand (not a litany of past injustices). Some people can hear loud and clear messages only when emotions are involved. “I asked you before not to gossip about me, yet it has happened again. I am angry about this! I don’t want this to ever happen again!”

Respond to the Underlying Message

Most people with behavioral difficulties have good intentions, and they may not know that their behavior causes you discomfort – or, if they are aware of this, how to resolve the problem. They keep responding to others with the same behavior and run into the same difficulties with people repeatedly. You might try “decoding” their behavior. In other words, try to understand their underlying needs. And rather than reacting to their surface words and actions, respond to these basic needs instead. For example, if a person is controlling or manipulative, understand that they probably feel very insecure within – so assure them in order to alleviate their insecurity (“Everything is all right – you can count on me”). If a person lies all the time, it is probably because of negative self-esteem and trust issues (tell them: “You have such good qualities that I genuinely like, and I want you to know that I will be here for you consistently and honestly”). Your responses will probably not solve their deeper issues, but at least they may set a positive tone for your future interactions.

Terminating the Relationship  

If nothing else works, there may come a time for a relationship to end. This can be a difficult option if the other person is a family member or significant friend. It takes courage to end the poisonous nature of some of our relationships, and dealing with the loss will be part of the process. Sometimes this is what we need to do in order to preserve our own sense of integrity.   

We Can Turn Our Difficulties into Challenges

Imagine a life in which everything always goes your way. There are no problems, no money worries, no health concerns – and no difficult people. There is no job insecurity, no traffic jams, and everybody treats you as if you were wonderful. You can eat what you want and buy anything you desire. Make a wish and it will come true.

Many of us – and this is unfortunate – long for this state of being. Some people make enough money to retire early just so they can have a life that resembles this dream-like situation. Others resort to drugs or alcohol to create the illusion that they live a hassle-free life. But there is a problem when we achieve this state – which, in truth, none of us ever do. We never grow. We are never fully alive. We are never challenged.

Difficulties are an essential part of life. They give us opportunities to learn, to adapt, and to achieve wisdom. In a sense, we should be grateful that there are difficult people in our lives. Dealing with difficult people forces us to feel discomfort, to look within, and then to learn to alleviate it by acquiring a more diverse and adaptive set of responses.

Try this exercise. Write down a list of the difficult people in your life. Just their names will do. And beside each name, jot down four or five adjectives which describe why the person is difficult for you. One item in your list of people might look like this –  “John: self-centered, controlling, manipulative, untrustworthy.” When the list is finished, go through all of the adjectives and see if there are any that repeat themselves. For example, you might see the word “controlling” frequently in your list. And now you have learned something about yourself – you need to learn how to handle controlling people! And what a splendid challenge this is. Working on this with a professional therapist can yield a world of new insights and clues for solving problems more flexibly.

So, when a difficult person drives you to distraction, try thinking about the situation in a different way. Rather than moving into negativity and feeling overwhelmed by your inability to deal with the person, just say to yourself, “Thanks for the challenge.”

The Altruism Option – A Key to Wellness and a Fuller Life

The More You Give, The More You Receive

Too few of us are in touch with a lifestyle choice that can bring us a wealth of happiness, integrity, and wellness. Altruism, or giving to others, has grown out of favor over the past several decades, but it has been a feature of human interaction throughout history. Indeed, a spirit of cooperation and giving has always been a hallmark of what binds a group or even a society together. Two people sharing their resources can produce more than two individuals acting alone in most circumstances.

Many people take the attitude that they work hard for what they have, so why should they give anything to another person or an organization? Over the past several decades our culture has seen a shift away from giving toward a focus on self-interest. This shift coincides with a weakening of our sense of community, the breakdown of the nuclear (and extended) family, higher divorce rates, increased emotional diagnoses for children, and increased stratification of the social and economic orders. Guided by self-interest and greed, rather than compassion and sharing, some in our society continue to grow wealthier while many others drift down into poverty. Over the past decades, people’s ties to each other have weakened, and more people feel lonely. Violence has increased, as have human suffering and environmental destruction. More people these days feel disconnected from others and question whether their lives have meaning. They find security in acquiring material goods – the latest technological tool, the current handbag, the trendiest automobile. Adhering to self-interest has not left us individually, or as a society, in an emotionally healthy state.

The antidote to this cultural trend is found at the individual level. When enough people become conscious of how self-interest pervades their lives and then challenge it by adopting a different way of living, it spreads throughout society. Recent research into neurological activity in the brain indicates that we are “hard-wired” toward altruism – toward giving to others, compassion, caring, kindness, and sharing. This is the natural human condition. Exploring this part of yourself can bring you back into harmony with the your natural state.

Of course, self-interest and altruism are not either/or concepts. We need both. Just as the person guided purely by self-interest loses a great deal in terms of life experiences, the completely altruistic person – constantly serving others – is deprived of the experience of exploring aspects of his or her own self-care. The clue is to find a balance between these two extremes. At this cultural juncture, most people would benefit from looking into the altruistic option. 

The Advantages of Giving

It has often been said that it is better to give than to receive. Let’s explore this is more detail. How do you benefit from giving to others?

There is a cardinal rule to remember about giving – when you give expecting a reciprocal reward, you won’t get one. When you give money or time expecting a return on your investment, you defeat the goal of giving. However, you benefit greatly when your giving is motivated by joy, love, and selflessness. Getting in touch with your giving self is, in itself, the reward. 

New Relationships –

Humans crave interaction with other people. We are social beings. However, we may feel isolated in our routine daily lives – going to work, coming home, never talking in a meaningful way to anyone else. If we lack stimulating interaction with others, our lives shrink. One way of breaking out of this isolation is to cultivate new friendships with others who are involved in taking care of the world – and themselves in the process. Join a group that feeds the homeless. Organize a neighborhood drive to donate to an unemployed family. Visit a few residents of a local nursing facility. You’ll soon expand your social world and involve yourself in a host of new, meaningful interactions. 

Reducing Our Insecurities –

These are fearful times. Most of our information about the world comes from television, and their ratings (and profits) increase when they focus on crime, war, terrorist attacks, political strife, and economic crisis. In reality, these times are probably no more violent than past times in history have been – but we are now, through the media, exposed to violence now more than ever. Thus, our fear and insecurity about the world increases and our response is to hunker down into a cocooned lifestyle. Confronting this fear by increasing our social connections through giving to others is a good way to achieve a more balanced life. Reaching out to neighbors and joining community organizations is an effective method of reducing our fears of the world.

Improving Our Health – 

Volunteer work has been shown through various research studies to –

            •           enhance our immune systems,

            •           lower cholesterol levels,

            •           strengthen cardiovascular functioning, and

            •           reduce stress.

Achieving Our Full Potential – 

When you work purely for self-interest you lose touch with your fuller potential – that is, your ability to share your energy, work, and talents for the good of others. You challenge yourself, and because your work has an impact on others, and they may even come to depend on what you give them, you push yourself even farther. In the process, you may discover skills and abilities you never knew you had. You may experience a leap in your self-esteem. You may even start to see the world in a different way. Instead of the negative thinking that can emerge out of living through the same routine everyday, you may begin to see the world – yourself and others – in a more positive and exciting light. Doing good can bring good things not only to the lives of other people, but to your own life as well.

Addressing Our Own Moods –

We all have negative cycles in our lives – and sometimes we end up stuck in a negative cycle for an extended period. Giving to others is one way some people use to address their own moods. When you feel unhappy, try bringing happiness into someone else’s life – and you’ll likely find that your own unhappiness dissipates, at least to some degree. If you feel anxious, try soothing someone else. If you feel depressed, try giving someone else some nurture, care, and kind attention. We are all interconnected. By giving to others, we give to ourselves at the same time. We reap what we sow.

Some Ways of Giving

You might think that, despite the obvious benefits of giving, you simply do not have the time, resources, or energy to help other people. However, value is not necessarily limited to money. Acquiring an altruistic way of living means finding value in areas of our lives that may have nothing to do with monetary assets. Cleaning out your closet and giving old clothes to the Salvation Army, expecting a tax deduction, is not necessarily a good example of an altruistic lifestyle. There are many ways of sharing what you have with other people – and you don’t have to spend money.  

Laughter –

Researchers have long known that laughter causes the brain to release powerful chemicals called endorphins. These neurochemicals bring us a feeling of joy, ease pain, and increase alertness. Laughter relaxes us. It can help to defuse tense situations. Explore what makes you laugh – and then share it with other people. Tell jokes and funny stories, share witticisms, and engage in physical humor.

Knowledge – 

You have learned a great deal in your lifetime, both from practical experience and what you have read and heard. Share your knowledge with other people. You become more valuable to your social networks and to people you meet. You have acquired wisdom and have learned what to do and what to avoid. Help other people as they struggle with situations similar to what you have experienced. Some people acquire a library and leave books on shelves for years, never to be opened again. But think about this. Might it not be better to have a conversation with someone about a book and if they express an interest in the book, then simply give it to them? You benefit from sharing your knowledge and giving a gift, and the other person benefits not only from the knowledge they will acquire from the book, but from the experience of having something of value given to them.

Time –

Time can be seen as your most precious asset. You have only a limited amount of it during your lifetime, so it is important to spend it wisely. Ask yourself if you are spending your time well. Mindless hours in front of the TV might be better spent in a pursuit important to you, one that enhances your life and the lives of others. When you give your time to another person or an organization, you are giving a precious gift – a part of your life. Examine your own values – do you like being with people, nature, activity, ideas? Then give your time to pursuing whatever is it that you value – and do it in such a way that other people reap the benefit of what you value. For example, if you like being in nature, volunteer your time in building nature trails. If it’s activity, you might coach a soccer team or teach inner-city kids how to swim through a local youth program. 

Attention – 

Showing respect to others is one of the best gifts. You can do this by active listening. One of our greatest needs is to have another person show that he or she cares about us. It makes us feel nurtured and important – and so few of us have even one person in the world who can do this for us. Encourage a friend to talk to you about important issues. Give this person your complete attention. Don’t pass judgment as the person talks. Ask short questions or make brief comments that encourage the person to say more (like “Tell me more,” or “That must have really been hard”). Avoid giving advice unless the other person asks for it. Just listening is one of the greatest gifts you can give someone else.

Toward a Simpler Life

Many of us are caught in the materialistic trap. We work to make more money so we can buy more things, and the more things we want, the more we have to work. Our lives become limited to self-interest and we lose touch with the broader and richer life that comes from connection to the community and sharing what we have with others. In our hum-drum, work-a-day lives, we find little relief. We might go to an expensive restaurant for a treat or we may spend seven days once a year at a lavish and barely affordable resort. And we define this as the good life.

Examine your values. Make a list of your life priorities and examine which of the priorities you are achieving right now. The items on your list might include “more reading,” “learning about music,” “spending more time with good friends,” “examining my spiritual life,” or “spending time outdoors in nature.” You may be passionate about some items on your list, but find that you don’t have the time now because you have to work so much just to make ends meet.

Can you work less in order to make more time for yourself? Can you cut back on your responsibilities? Maybe you can. The clue is not how much money you make, but how much money you spend.

Examine how you can live a simpler life – where the quality of everyday living can be much higher. If you like music, why spend a hundred dollars on a top-name concert when you can go to a free community concert, meet people, and have a great time? If you like great food, why not cook it yourself at home and invite some good friends over to share it with you? In fact, why not grow the vegetables yourself in a backyard or community garden? (There’s nothing better.) If you want to go to a beautiful place, why spend thousands on a packaged resort vacation when you can go to your own backyard or a nearby park and watch the butterflies and listen to the birds sing? If you need transportation, why buy a new gas guzzler? You might be able to bike to your destination and enjoy the sights and sounds of different streets.

Rumination – When We Get Lost in Our Thoughts

Thinking about our problems is, without doubt, part of an effective way of solving them. If we need to deal with one of our life issues, we think it through, review our various options, and then choose a course of action to handle the problem. We can then take action to resolve the issue – and this might include redefining it so that we don’t experience it as a problem any longer.

But sometimes we get stuck at the thinking stage of problem-solving and go no farther. The success of thinking can lead us to engage solely in thought, as if – if we do more and more of it – we can think our way through what seems to be an insoluble issue. We find comfort in thought itself and never move into the problem-solving strategy of taking efficacious action. What we may not understand is that rumination (or overthinking) is driven by anxiety. Letting thoughts swirl in our heads over and over again is one way to soothe our anxiety – but it’s a trap because we get stuck in our thoughts and never move on to take action to solve the problem.

Rumination is more likely to occur when our thoughts are largely negative. Positive thinking encourages us to take effective action. Negative thoughts, on the other hand, because of social constraints and the negative impact they have on our self-image, discourage us from taking action. When we engage in negative thinking most of the time, we feel overwhelmed by the world. We feel stuck. We can’t see our way out of our problems. Negative thinking drives people away from us so that we are unable to share our thoughts with others and benefit from the feedback they might offer. And so, alone, we think – and think. We ruminate.

Our emotions of the moment, as they ebb and flow throughout the day, influence our thoughts. If we feel sad, the brain has greater access to sad thoughts and memories. So when things happen in our lives, we interpret these events in a sad way. Similarly, if we feel anxious, our brain respond to memories associated with anxiety – and this may lead to our feeling unsafe or even paranoid, because we filter our interpretations of events in an anxious way. These negative emotions are associated with negative thoughts. And this is where rumination takes hold. Negative moods lead to negative thinking, which subsequently drives our negative mood – and we get caught in the cycle of rumination. (Interestingly, if we can change our thinking in a positive way, then positive moods will follow – and then we interpret events positively and can take effective action to solve our problems.) 

Researchers have found that women are much more likely to ruminate than men. This reflects the two-to-one ratio of women who suffer from depression in comparison to men. There are a number of possible reasons why women ruminate more often than men, including socialization practices in our society, job discrimination, lower pay, and a greater incidence of abuse. In addition to depression, rumination is associated with anxiety, anger, and substance abuse.

The content of ruminations falls into three broad categories –

•     Victimization – When we feel that we have been treated badly by someone, we ruminate about the injustice we have experienced. We review the situation again and again and think of ways we can find retribution. We don’t look at the whole situation or try to understand our part in the interaction. Unfortunately, we may take action on our thoughts that may have negative consequences.

•     Magnifying – When we feel upset, we start thinking of reasons to explain our feelings. We may come up with a number of causes, all equally plausible, and some may be dramatic and not grounded in reality. We then take rash actions with negative consequences, such as quitting our job, ending a friendship, or acting out our bad mood.

•     Chaos – Sometimes we feel overwhelmed and our thoughts dart from one focus to another without any clear theme. We end up feeling disoriented – and we may shut down or run away from our problems.     

Rumination should not be confused with other types of thinking.

•     Rumination is not the same as worry, although ruminators do worry. Worry involves “what if’s” – wondering about things that might happen (“What if I say the wrong thing at work?” “What if this date goes wrong?”). Rumination, on the other hand, focuses more on things that have happened in the past – like things you said or things that went wrong.

•     Rumination is not the same as obsessive-compulsive disorder. OCD involves a preoccupation with thoughts that are external, like germs, and how they might intrude on us. Ruminators can turn these thoughts off easily.

•     And rumination is not like the thinking that goes on in therapy. One thing that therapy might do is to focus on effective problem-solving, including looking at situations in a different way and finding ways to take action to solve problems. Ruminators focus on one way of looking at a problem and they seldom get to the point of solving the problem.

How Do We Overcome Rumination?   

Rumination is an elusive experience. We get caught in the ruminative pattern without realizing it and then assume that this is the way things are supposed to be – thinking and thinking endlessly. We slip into the pattern automatically and feel that we have no control over it. The experience can feel agonizing, but may also seem familiar and comfortable. It does not solve the problems that we are anxious about, and in fact it ultimately increases our anxiety and may lead to depression.

Let’s look at a few ways of breaking the ruminative pattern that can work in a short time. Working on these strategies with a professional therapist can be highly effective.

Realize that rumination is not a healthy resolution to your problems

During a ruminative episode we may feel that we have finally gained insight into what is bothering us. “I deserve to feel angry about what he did to me.” “I have a right to feel depressed over the neglect I’ve suffered in my life.” We need to understand that these negative thoughts simply exacerbate our underlying negative mood. When we ruminate we get caught in tunnel vision. We see the world in only one way. This is not a healthy route to solving our life problems. It simply sets us up for depression, more anxiety, and anger. It helps to understand and accept that there are better ways of dealing with problems. 

The use of distraction

Research has found that engaging in a pleasant distraction is a good way to open the way to effective problem-solving. The use of distraction from rumination can improve our mood and lead to positive thinking. Even a few minutes of distraction can have long-term effects. Some people use exercise as a distraction. A walk around the block, swimming, gardening, or a workout at the gym are all positive distractions from rumination, as well as a hobby that requires us to pay attention to what is happening in the moment. Reading can be a good distraction. The goal is to break the rumination and to focus on something else. Of course, we need to realize that a distraction is not the same as escaping from a problem. For example, alcohol or other substance abuse, losing oneself in videogames, or binge eating are not healthy distractions.

The “Stop” Technique (Also called thought stopping)

When you find yourself caught in the swirl of ruminative thoughts, one short-term technique that may help is simply to tell yourself to stop. While this will not last long, and it is certainly not a permanent way to curb rumination, it will give you a sense of some control and open the way to try out longer-lasting methods. You might try putting a rubber band around your wrist and then snapping it when you find yourself overthinking, along with the verbal reminder to “stop.”

Observe Yourself

When rumination takes over, cultivate the ability to observe yourself from a distance. Ask yourself, “What am I doing?” “Isn’t my thinking like this just a way of giving the power to the other person?” “I’m letting the other person control me.” Redefining your overthinking in this way gives you a sense of power over it. Take this method to the next step – come up with different ideas that truly allow you to solve the problem constructively. Try to see the issue from the other person’s point of view. Redefine the problem using more positive thoughts.

Put Aside Time to Ruminate (schedule it)

If you allow yourself to ruminate, it can take up your whole day. From morning to a sleepless night, you ponder your situation endlessly. It takes over your life and you do have other responsibilities. Tell yourself that you will allow yourself only an hour per day to ruminate. Choose an hour when you normally feel good (and this should not be right before going to bed). When the urge to ruminate appears, tell yourself that you will put it aside and save it for your “thinking hour.” Many people find that because they are now spending most of their days free from ruminating, the problems seem less overwhelming during the hour of thinking.

Share Your Thoughts

Rumination is a private experience and we seldom share the thoughts we harbor with other people. We generate thoughts that may have little basis in the real world. You can break this pattern by sharing your thoughts with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. This person can ask relevant questions, such as, “What was your mood before you started thinking about this?” You can listen to their feedback and ask questions – and this will allow you to see your issues in a new light and gain new perspective. Make sure that the person you talk to is stable. If you choose a person who simply fans the flames of your thoughts, you will accomplish nothing and may drift further into your ruminative thoughts.

 Emerge from Rumination over the Long Run

Although the techniques we have reviewed work in the short run, rumination may return during times of stress or when a crisis comes into your life. Let’s look at some ways to replace the old ruminative pattern with more positive approaches. Adopting these strategies, which will take time and can be learned with the help of a professional therapist, can free you from rumination and help you move to higher ground over time.

Learn to avoid the triggers – You can learn to identify the situations that lead to rumination – and to avoid them. For example, if spending time with a friend leads to overthinking, limit the time you spend with this particular friend.

Let go of unrealistic goals – Learn to assess whether your life goals are realistic or not. Holding on to unrealistic goals drives rumination. But redefining them into goals that can be accomplished realistically can free you from overthinking.

Indulge yourself in different ways – Instead of going into ruminative thought when you feel stressed, learn alternate methods. For example, physical exercise, a bubble bath, talking with a trusted friend, nature walks, prayer, or meditation can all be used instead.

Develop your narrative – Reviewing your life and seeing it in a new, whole, and meaningful way can provide insights and different perspectives during times of stress. Working on your narrative with a therapist can lead to a permanent change in how you handle life’s challenges.

Expand your range of activities – Rumination is more probable when our lives are limited. If your work has taken over your life, try doing volunteer work or getting into a hobby in a completely different setting. Or you might consider making new friends.

Define your life in positives, not negatives – Rumination thrives when we see ourselves in negative terms. Learn to change the negative interpretations of your life into positives. Instead of focusing on failures in your life, highlight the successes. This method, in itself, can lead you to the joy and happiness in life that you truly deserve.

Relationship Addiction

Don’t know why there’s no sun up in the sky

Stormy weather

Since my man and I ain’t together

Keeps raining all the time

            – “Stormy Weather” was first performed in 1933 at the Cotton Club in Harlem by Ethel Waters

The experience of finding the right partner and falling “in love” is one of life’s true joys. It brings a feeling of euphoria, passion, connection, and hope for a happy future. It can lead to a lifetime of loving contentment. Of course, sometimes it lapses and becomes one of our memories, sometimes pleasant and sometimes not. The “high” that comes from this feeling of loving passion, at least for some people, is so compelling that they use it to fill gaps in their lives, much as they might use a drug. Being in love, for them, can resemble an addiction.

The source of an addiction is found within the person, not in the substance itself. Some people can use a drug, including alcohol, and not become addicted. Similarly, some people can enjoy the high of being in love as a positive life experience without any indication of addiction. Other people, depending on their needs, their abilities, or their backgrounds, use the euphoric feelings that come from an outside source of gratification (drugs, relationships … or gambling, videogames – the list is endless) to create a false sense of fulfillment in their lives. They have difficulty looking within to find a way to achieve contentment, so they look outside of themselves for a way to soothe their internal feelings. Everyone does this to a degree. But when it takes on a compulsive quality that inhibits more positive life experiences and leads to negative consequences, it can be called an addiction. 

People who use relationships addictively usually harbor a sense of incompleteness in their lives –  emptiness, despair, feeling lost, or sadness. They may lack a feeling of attachment to love that has roots in early childhood. They believe their feelings can be remedied through finding that comforting feeling of euphoria that comes through a love relationship. An addictive relationship has a compulsive quality about it. While a healthy love relationship implies that both partners freely choose each other, in an addictive relationship there is a compulsive drive that limits this freedom (“I must stay in this relationship even if it’s bad for me.”) There is also an overwhelming feeling of panic over the thought of losing the relationship, even if there are arguments between the two partners and both know the relationship should end. If the relationship actually ends, there are pronounced withdrawal symptoms, much like drug, nicotine, or alcohol addicts experience when they go “cold turkey.” They may experience weeping, physical pain, sleep disturbance, depression, irritability, and the feeling that they have no place to turn to now. These feelings are so intense that they might drive the person into another addictive relationship immediately. After this period of turmoil ends, however, the addicted person senses a period of triumph or liberation and they don’t typically go through the long, slow experience of acceptance and healing that characterizes the ending of a healthier relationship.

The Relationship Addiction Process

Addictive relationships typically go through a process that usually starts with an innocent attraction to someone – and this quickly turns into an infatuation. The relationship addict, who is hungry for love, feels exhilarated and blinded by “love at first sight.” This turns into an excessive preoccupation with the loved one involving hours of fantasy about how the relationship might turn out. (Of course, this happens in normal love relationships also – but the degree to which this happens in an addicted relationship is enormous. This a case in which feelings control one’s life while rational thought is abandoned – and this is not a healthy style of living.) Love addicts then project all of their dreams for eternal happiness onto the loved one (most healthy people, of course, realize that they are ultimately responsible for their own happiness).

These fantasies trigger the dependency phase of the relationship. The love addict then develops the fear that the relationship could come to an end, and with it, the end of hope for a happy life. These fears lead to an obsessive quest to hold on to this relationship at any cost – even if it means control and manipulation.

This is when the relationship typically begins to deteriorate. The relationship addict puts so much energy into molding the relationship into what he or she needs that the other person begins to feel smothered, intimidated, and ungrateful. The loved one resents having to live to meet the needs of another person, especially when there is a feeling of control (people typically want to maximize their own life experience rather than using a great deal of their energy to make another person feel comfortable). The loved one may even express resentment in the form of lying, cheating, taking for granted, or abusing the love addict. This puts a severe strain on the relationship and it makes the relationship addict try even harder. A vicious cycle begins.

Love addicts keep on trying, however, attempting at all cost to keep alive the dream of experiencing happiness through the other person. The pain of going through this can be immense. They go into denial, acting as if everything is going well. They are not able to see where the true problem lies, which is in their own unmet needs and their addictive resolution. They idealize the relationship, even though it is barely viable and not meeting the needs of either partner.

A relationship addict who is at this stage of a deteriorating relationship might consider a good, healthy intervention with a professional therapist. Failing to find help can have severe mental, emotional, and physical consequences. There comes a time to make a major life change and to learn how to deal with the pain in a different and more productive way. 

Symptoms of Relationship Addiction

Premature Bonding

Relationship addicts have an overwhelming need to bond with someone. This goes beyond a healthy need to connect with others. Unfortunately, this need to form an instant attachment tends to overwhelm other people and pushes them away. And it leads to poor decisions about whom to let into one’s life.

Excessive Fantasies

Throughout the course of the relationship, the addict spends a great deal of time thinking about the other person and how perfect things will be. Even after the relationship has ended, the fantasies about getting together again may continue. Of course, a healthy love relationship also involves fantasies, but addictive fantasies have an obsessive quality about them. These fantasies tend to take over one’s day. The need to fantasize takes precedence over socializing with others, work, taking care of normal daily routines – and they tend to become dreams or expectations that must come true.

The Need for Excitement

Addicts in general crave getting “high.” Relationship addicts base their ideas about a relationship on romance, and this involves creating drama. They might pick fights just to experience a rush of excitement. An ordinary argument becomes a war. They see reality in terms of their own needs, so they easily read between the lines (“No matter what she says, I know she really loves me”). A love addict fails to understand that a normal relationship involves a series of highs and lows – in real life, lows do not mean that the love has ended. They see an ordinary relationship as boring because it lacks a sense of constant excitement.

Exaggerated Anxiety and Jealousy about the Relationship

Relationship addicts typically have fears left over from earlier experiences in their lives when they have been neglected, rejected, or abandoned. Their greatest fear in adulthood is feeling lonely because this reminds them of their earlier negative experiences – and they never want to endure that again. They need to feel attached and find it difficult to live independently. So, in their relationships they tend to look constantly for signs that things are not going well. They become possessive of their partner, experiencing anxiety when the partner is not present and frequently accusing or nagging the partner.

Ineffective Expression of Emotions

The relationship addict, because of difficult earlier life experiences, is confused and overwhelmed by emotions. For example, she might feel that anger leads to rejection or abandonment, so she doesn’t express anger and instead holds in all emotional expression – and when someone expresses anger to the relationship addict, she is unable to tolerate it. She might harbor painful feelings that seem unrelated to present circumstances. She may become stoic (relationship addicts have a great tolerance for suffering and endure substantial pain rather than face the prospect of a breakup of the relationship). Because she suppresses her normal, flexible emotional expression, she may revert to polarized expression of feelings (“all or nothing”) – for example, love or hate (but nothing in between), vigilance or complacency, fear or courage. 

Loose Personal Boundaries

Because many relationship addicts have issues with self-esteem, they have weak personal boundaries. They lose their sense of individuality and become enmeshed with their partner. They don’t know where their needs and emotions begin and where their partner’s end. If their partner feels happy, they feel happy. If their partner feels sad, they feel sad. If they sense that their partner wants them to be a certain way, that is what they become. They have difficulty saying “no.” Unfortunately, this sets the stage for being treated with disrespect. Addictive relationships show a lack of equality between the two partners.

Control in Relationships

People who try to control their partner in any relationship usually feel insecure within the relationship. In the addictive relationship, control becomes a major feature of the interaction between the two partners. The relationship addict simply wants her dreams to come true, avoid losing her partner, and diminish her fear of loneliness and abandonment. She does not think of herself as a controlling person, but simply as a loving person who tries to make the relationship work. Unfortunately, the control behaviors usually serve only to push the partner away – which is the opposite of what she wants.

Here are some ways that control is seen in the addictive relationship –

Image Management – The person who controls spends a great deal of  time trying to create just the right image in order to appear perfect. This involves lying, deceit, and superficiality, and people don’t get to know the real person behind the façade.

Nagging – This is a way to wear people down, and it includes giving unsolicited advice and constant criticism. The aim is to get the partner eventually to acquiesce.

Diminishing – The controller diminishes the other person’s authentic self so that he or she can justify stepping in and taking control.

The Silent Treatment – This is a guilt-inducing technique to get even with the partner who has stepped out of line.

Isolating – The controlling person loses his grip when his partner has other social contacts that serve as sources of outside validation – so he makes sure that his partner loses these contacts.

Acting Helpless – This involves avoiding any hint of independence. The helpless person uses guilt to control the partner into staying in the relationship.

Verbal Abuse – There are many examples of verbal abuse – withholding praise, name-calling, blaming, accusing, judging, criticizing, trivializing, threatening, and commanding.

Stalking and Physical Abuse – Control behavior can escalate to the point of danger. This situation calls for immediate action. Get help. Talk to a professional. Get out of danger. 

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only.  Actual diagnosis and treatment should only be performed by a licensed clinician trained and educated in the assessment of depressive disorders or other mental health conditions.  To learn more about this clinician go to www.PeterJPaterno.com